Heart: Interrupted.

Close your eyes and breathe in deep. Exhale the type of breath that sends a shudder through your whole being; feeling the burden of the day and the performance it required from you to be lifted off your shoulders.
Stay here for a moment. Eyes remain closed. Listen. Breathe again. It is in this peace that our lives were and are meant to flow.

John Eldredge reminds us of this is in his powerful classic, the Sacred Romance. This book has been such a lifeblood for me in loneliness and pain, and has restored my aching heart many a time that I have unashamedly become somewhat of a 'heart' ambassador.

''Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything. We have learned that something else is wanted from us other than our heart, which is to say, that which is most deeply us.  If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally. If rich, we are honored for our wealth; if beautiful, for our looks; if intelligent, for our brains. So we learn to offer only those parts of us that are approved, living out a carefully crafted performance to gain acceptance from those who represent life to us.'' - Sacred Romance

Falling victim to striving again and again, this acknowledgement made by Eldredge is just the kick in the face I need. And it needs to be a daily beating, so to speak. Why I continue to 'punish' myself with meeting performance quotas and goals, and setting expectations that even I, upon reflection can confess, are brutal and would not expect of others, is something of a 'valley' in which I am personally walking in.
But there are days of piercing light in the deepness of the darkness where by His love, I am willed and wooed to keep on going. And this sustainance does not come by doing more. It is by knowing that I am wanted not for what I can offer or do, but for my heart and more simply, for just being me - the true me without appearance and performance depending. To 'perform' is the fastest way to exhaust your soul and dry your bones and in this valley I am learning to remember that when striving to meet expectations I am killing the beauty inside of me - what truly matters. To rest in the peace that nothing can separate me from God and that eternity with Him is certain, means that 'success' (if it happens at all) is merely an additive to my life and not the ultimate destination.

And I know I am not alone in it. We all feel it. The pressure. And just as He won't leave me here, He has come for you too. Let Him take you aside.

''But me he caught—reached all the way
      from sky to sea; he pulled me out...
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
      I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!'' - 2 Samuel 22:20, The Message.

Let's Hear It For People

Investments have been on my made of late, and not the monetary kind entirely.
Although, yes, I am saving and thinking of the future (turning 25 this year makes it wise that I do!) I do not want to focus solely on myself, my dreams and my purposes. Despite the fact it sounds so valiant to be like this and selflessness is an admirable trait, I am learning that it is utterly exhausting to be self-consumed.

Let me explain.

Having moved to a new country I have had the excuse, with good reason, to be selfish. My thoughts the past few months have been something like this, 'Have to get that job, now that room to rent, make sure I am exercising and eating healthy, make new friends, wow- my hair needs cutting, what new books should I be reading, oh - I need to read that too...'' - and so on.

Mental exhaustion.

So in an attempt to silence the chaos, I am looking for others to 'worry' about. It is a challenge for me, as like most (I hope) it doesn't come as a natural human reflex to not put myself first. And I am not talking about feeding the homeless or tending the sick. It is on a simpler forefront than that. For me, being selfless might be staying out that little bit longer on a cold London night because a friend needs to chat even though I have an early morning gym date to sculpt those yet-to-surface abs, pressing for me for an early night.  Or simply parting with that extra £2.20 at the coffee counter, meaning your financially-burdened-university drink date can actually indulge in a much needed coffee instead of them saying 'Oh know, don't worry, I am fine thank you' -but you yourself are literally eating tinned tuna for dinner all that week. Yes - I have been there!

Whether financial, emotional, physical or spiritual, investment in people is what matters. And like the term suggests, the more people you sow into, the more likely you will reap a reward.
Having this revelation has been lifeblood to me; no longer is my existence on this Earth and my ultimate success of utmost importance. Sure - I have dreams that I can pray come to fruition but investing all my energy, money and time into just myself is simply unwise if I am to truly have a successful and fulfilled life.

By reaching unto others, you are helping those in your world, and therefore contributing to the potential achievement of their hopes and goals. By buying that university friend that coffee, you are contributing to their ultimate achievement in their season of life - graduating with a degree. It sounds simple but by investing in them you now share a small part in the celebration of their success and well, that degree is partly yours too in essence.

But the return is not the best bit.

I have found by investing in others, I have a new found energy and freedom to map out my own goals and pursue them with ease and confidence, knowing full well that I have other 'hedge funds' growing within the souls and bodies of the people to whom I have impacted and care about as I await in anticipation for the outcome.

I leave you with this.

'People in your lives  are odder than you could have believed and worth far more than you could have first guessed' - Walter Hooper.

Co-ordinates for the making

I am still learning.

How to stay reminded Grace and Love is something that needs a daily reflection.

Faith comes by diligently seeking and thus, becoming like Him.

Prayer is the honest heart's cry of a son to his Father.

To set my face like flint on the eternal.

That I am on a journey and the destination is good. And the map has been given yet the adventure and privilege is in the fact I may choose which trails to take, valleys to venture and rivers to ride along.